What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 23:55
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I will be 64.
Comes on , in middle age.
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And i lived it daily.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
What is your most intimate experience with your best friend?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We all went to grammer schools
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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I don,t even have a pension.
What did i know ?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
How can a hacker damage me, realistically?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot live in the past .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She found it foreign!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I said to her
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Would this be the day?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I have no regrets .
Ive learnt so much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I write beautiful poetry .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
(And it was in our own minds.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She loved him until the end.
We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He knew the spot.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But, we were locked up after school.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My life is so biszare .
I waited trembling.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So whats the point in blame.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was in good health!
She wouldn,t have been !
I was scared of men, in general
Who then, do I blame.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
All the time i was locked up.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was 9 years of age.
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was very sick at this time too.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is soul school!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!